Monday, August 11, 2008

And You Were There.

It's been weird lately.
Woke up every single morning for past week feeling low.
Only thinking bout my "Ibu".

She passed away during my "Honeymoon".
Came back to Singapore, all's gone.
Dealt and over with.

Dad chose not to tell me cos not to ruin my holiday.
But on the other hand, it made me really mad and totally upset.
But I understand his action.

All thoughts now running in my head.
How do I overcome it? Well, that's another thing.
Talked to some people thou about it.
People might think it's just some kind of feeling that will actually go away.
But they don't know when!
Yeah! Right!

So I leave it just like that.
Tried to but failed.

So, last month went back home town.
Met up with dad and younger sis.
We went out on a scorching morning.
To be exact it was 9a.m.
Sun was shining really bright piercing through my "shades".
Dad was saying that we're going to "ibu"'s grave.
I was fine with the suggestion but a little nervous.
Don't know why.
It was a long journey and on the way we stopped by the drive thru 'McDonald's'.
Ordered breakfast for all and we continued our journey.
It sounds as if was really that far.
Well it does.
By the time we reached there, sun was burning out the day.
Phew!!! Bought flowers and water as in traditionally paying respect and those proper procedures.
Dad stopped his car, parked at the side and started moving towards the burial ground.
I followed without uttering a single word.
Emotions filled the air suddenly.
I was being really steady.
The moment dad stopped and sat next to the grave, I saw her name written in beautiful translation.
My sis starts clearing dried flowers that was previously sowed on the bed of late Ibu's grave.
Well dad starts his prayers chanting and those stuff.
I followed suit.
Then, when all's done, we sowed fresh, beautiful sweet smelling flowers all over the grave.

I started talking.
To "Ibu", suddenly.
"Ibu, sorry I didn't make it to come back and send you off that time."
Emotions running high.
I continued talking.
Dad was staring towards my direction but was not looking exactly.
He was listening actually to my "conversation" to Ibu.
"Can you let me hug you for the last time as I didn't that time? Please...let me."
Tears rolling down. Dad and sis stood there watching me.
Then later, dad also drop few tears. He looked away.

I apologized to Ibu too.
It's like she was there and understood me.
Giving me the acknowledgment kind of thing.
Why? It started to cool down.
The weather I mean. It was shady suddenly.
Then before I left, I told her to rest in peace as I will always remember her for everything.

I walked away.
I looked back and felt like she's watching me go.
Telling me to take care of myself in people's country.
I don't know, but it felt that way.
Well, I replied her in a way that I will.
The she sent me showers few minutes later after I got in the car.

Dad drove away with some kind of relief from his face.
Maybe he wanted to bring me to visit her for quite some time and now...
...he managed to. I guess.

It was silent all the way till we stopped by to have lunch.
Dad saw my eyes filled with tears again and asked me why.
Told him that we sat exactly the same place when we had a meal together with Ibu that last time
I was back.
"Sorry dad. don't mean to make you sad but it's naturally coming to me."
He stroke my hand and tell me that it was ok.

Back in reality time now, mind flashes lots of things bout Ibu and stuffs.
Was having sleepless nights.
Waking up every single hour of sleep.
Then It made me confessed to write about it here.
And here it is.

It's not just a story.
It's my life.

Dedicated to "Ibu"- My life is worthless compared to yours. As I don't know how to treasure it like you do. It mean the world to me what you had said. I will keep it inside of me as my pathfinder throughout my life. Love and always in my heart, Ibu.