Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Thought I've Died and Gone To Heaven

It's like you've heard before the title of my 'cry' rite?
Yes, you're right.
It's from Bryan Adams the famous artist musician.

This is written with so much sadness and pain with a hole in my heart.
Written for special people whom I chose myself with great confidence.
Believing still, that they are somewhat special.
But I didn't fell from the top of building.
I fell flat on my face.
I was actually been lifted up high without knowing it.
Was adored somehow.Maybe. with a little knowledge of it.
Was taken advantage of at some point. Which I knew but I chose to ignore.
Deliberately. Again and again and again.
For something I believed and treasured most when in doing my job as an educator,
trying to mould, guide, inspire, motivate or even teach.
Which I know now that I did not manage to do so.
Cause I was let go to fall flat on My face with no mercy.

I was upset on my way.
Thinking where did I go wrong.
I wonder...
I ponder for awhile.
Than it came up to...
Let it go.
I have to let it go.
None of this is anyone's fault.
Never will I think that way.
Not even my very own close one telling me what to do.
Cause they know.

Thank you for comforting me.
I really do appreciate it.
I am not angry but it's over now.
Let's move on and start anew.

Let's begin with good luck and best wishes to all.
Hopefully see better results.
Oh not to worry ok.
Forgotten and all's forgiven.
(speaking from deep inside trying hard to make myself feel better)

But honestly, I meant it.
About forgiving.
But won't be forgotten.
I think you will agree Shana?

I went through the day with lotsa thinking and headaches.
Overcoming it was tough.
It's been a long time since migraine attack.
And it's all coming back to me now. Today!
Cursing and swearing myself for what I have gotten into this mess making it worse than ever.

I know some of you still think that it is lame or petty for me.
As if asking for sympathy kinda thing.
Well let me tell you this!
I am only human.
Feeling how I felt was natural.
And not even World War 3 can stop it.

With much regrets and upsets or shall I say disappointments,
I end this with a feeling that Thought I've Died And Gone To...

I let you complete the sentence then as what it should be.
I thank you all.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Oh Please Sir. Stop It Will You!

Ok people,
this is how it works if it has slipped out of ya mind.
Actually, I dun really have to bother neither care of what's going on.
But you guys made me do this!

On second thought, I let it be.
I think its a waste.
I will inform her too not to say anything.
It's all in vain cos it won't change a single thing.
So, why we bother so much.
Good luck then to all of you.

Sad but true.
I will ignore.
Pretend as if it was just a passing cloud.
Don't get my emotions into this.
Or else it will be another set back!

Now I can see and learn more.
By helping, sometimes people don't appreciate actually.
They thought that we Ruin their lives or something.
It's just my nature.
Helping people duh!
Or maybe they're saying me " BUSYBODY".
Si I will stop.
Just like the other day when a boy fell and hurt himself.
But people said that we were there and didnt do nothing!
Tell them to getta XXXX off!
They dun even know anything bout first aid!
I am trained and certified paramedic just fyi you jerks!!!

Well, if you can't see the good in me, then it means I have failed in your eyes only.
As a person.
As a friend.
As a _ _ _ _ _ _ _.

These few days, really really been stressful.
It won't go away.
Ulcers piercing.
Those of you who knows, will feel it.
Sleepless nights.

Maybe I have lost the edge.
Holding on too tight.
Gotta let go.
Will stop making things better.

I am not good at pretending things but I will try.
For the sake of my own and others so called "PRIDE".
Will talk less.
No more jokes.
I am not the best like you've said.
Don't want to be the best anymore even if I am once before.

I just want you to remember this.
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.
Don't know how else.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

You didn't make it better.

Like I said before.
I was inspired by some when writing or learned something that I actually saw or witnessed.

Feeling betrayed at certain point?
I dunno.
But then it was a lesson to be learned by some but not the rest.
It was clearly shown as manipulation was involved here.
I was shocked.
But it all went down as you were "used" actually.
Or shall I say we are all being used.
Why did they do this to us?
Well, one thing for sure we didnt even realise it.

A piece of white paper can really hurt someone huh?!
Or maybe can judge a person's character or motive.
It's at least better than a word.

Don't you dare discuss this with another person ok!

And here I am, as normal not showing anything that something had happened.
She reminded me too as not to mention it to them.
How thoughtful can she be?
Wow! I'm impress.
Yeah you must be thinking, she and I are affiliated kinda thing.
Ahhhh...stop it!
We're doing it for the sake of all of you.
I was actually feeling bad about this whole thing.
Looking at how she was protecting them from being "utilise" like a thing!

Fear leads to anger,
Anger leads to hate,
And hate leads to the dark side!

But all you can do is thinking that I was or maybe is still trying to Ruin It By Telling Her What You Actually...
I rest my case.

I'm fighting a battle without knowing that my army actually was my enemy.
It's sad you know.
Rest in peace.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

...You'll Regret it!

When I look back to the days when school "sucks" and school was such a bore,
It was never.
I was a bore.
And I'm the one that "suck".
I meant that I was such a tweed for not making it better although it was already at its best.

I remembered 1 of the best thing to do was cheering for my class when they took part in any events.
Or maybe they were cheering for instead when I was dribbling the ball and putting it into the opponents goal!
Wow! That was such a great feeling!
Running in front of them showing how mighty I was after scoring an unbelievable goal.
They yelled and hugged each other.
Celebrating the moment for what I have somewhere once or many of times made them feel fantastic.
I was once a hero for my class and school.

They have also made me felt wonderful in terms of having glory winning in any part of events we've won.
How can I forget that!
Of cos I, or shall I say we had perfect moments in school life when we were happy then.
But I have to admit something here that there were sad moments too.
A friend had to leave school because of wrong company they mixed around with.
Or maybe a very sad moment when one of our beloved teacher fell in front of our very eyes and breathe his last breath, after trying to make us look good in every aspect he wants it to be.
We mourned for his death for several weeks in school.
Feeling a big lost to everything he has contributed before.
Making a come back was no possible thing to think.
We sobbed and sobbed. But...
...life goes on.

And then we learned.
Lessons he had taught.

Jokes he had made.
Made us laugh.
Made us think the proper way.
Support us in our studies.
In events he encouraged till we conquered!
Winning trophies we craved so much that he inspired us.
We made it happened again and again and again, when he was gone,
everytime we think of him.
He had us thinking never to give up hope and always try in no matter where our position is.

But the best thing he had ever said to me personally was and it made me think of it always,
"" "In life we must know that we are not alone. If we are sad, we're not alone cos others might be more sad than us. And if we're happy because we have made others happy too."
And so he continues,"" Friends are like magical thing. Cos they come to you when they need help but when they got help from you, they disappeared, vanished suddenly without a trace. "
Hmmm...it sound so true.
But he managed to conclude about friends too.
He said," we must know that to cherish every single moment that you have with friends and your close ones in every way you can cos even thou you get a second chance it will never be the same. Cherish it like you goona loose it forever. Cos once you loose it. you can never have the same opportunity again. It will totally a different ball game. And so you'll regret it!" ""

I hold on to his words to this very day.
Probably, I will pass it on to my children someday?
Or maybe to all beloved students.
For what I've become now.
you're in my heart.
Photo courtesy by Wenyi/6J2007